Title in Description
by XiXi Scarlett
Summary: This is called: The Day the Flame Alchemist Stole Christmas so the Tiny Alchemist had to Save it. "DID YOU SAY TINY!" Nope. I said, uh, very tall. Yep. This is a crack-fic with OOC-ness and fourth wall breakage.


_Author's Note: This is my first FullMetal Alchemist fanfiction ^^. I don't know if this will be any good or not, so...And this is based off of Brotherhood, I guess? I dunno. This is kind of...odd._

_**DISCLAIMER**: XiXi Scarlett (call me XiXi-sama or Scarlett-sama) does not own FullMetal Alchemist._

_**WARNING**: There is a lot of OOC-ness and fourth wall breaking in this. And very crack-fic-y._

_**^w~ XiXi Scarlett**_

_**The Day the Flame Alchemist Stole Christmas so the Tiny Alchemist had to Save It**_

_**By: XiXi Scarlett**_

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even a crocodile. It seemed like a calm Christmas Eve, but it really wasn't. Somewhere in the world, Major Armstrong was giving Edward Cullen a lesson on how to sparkle properly. Let's just say...a certain vampire is going to be dead (again) sometime soon.

Slipping through the front door and bypassing the security system like a ninja, Roy Mustang was in. And he felt the need to report it to his tape recorder diary.

"It's not a diary," Roy muttered to the narrator. "It's a man-journal."

Shush. I'm trying to narrate here. Roy sneaked through the house like the ninja he was/is/will be. He saw that presents were under the tree. Presents. Under. The. Tree.

Unopened presents.

Un. Op. Penned. Presents.

_I've never gotten Christmas presents before! _Roy thought with glee. _I'll just take them! I forgot what I was supposed to be doing in here, anyway._

So, just as he decided, he shoved all of the presents into a sack he found, and he left a candy wrapper in their place. Roy suddenly had an extraordinary idea. What if he took all of the presents and then left candy wrappers for the young children? Roy thought this was an awesome-sauce idea.

"Time to carry out Plan Get the Presents I've Always Wanted but Never Got," Roy said once he got outside and let out a small evil laugh. "And then, I will work on my evil laugh. And after that, I will work on Plan Miniskirt!"

And as Roy left cackling down the road, a tiny-

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT THAT A MINISKIRT LOOKS LIKE A FULL EVENING GOWN?"

Er...a very very very tall alchemist named Edward Elric woke up and discovered that he needed to save Christmas.

"Wait a second. Since when was that decided?" Edward asked. "I never agreed to this!"

Yes, you did. It was in the contract.

"I never signed a contract!"

Yes, you did. Remember? It was the same night with Winry and the closet and Roy with the miniskirt and dancing on the table...

"Oh, yeah..." Ed recalled. "Haha, that was fun."

Back to the story now. Ed got up and headed out into the street to find the culprit of the present crimes. Where Al was at this point, the world will never know.

"459!" Came Al's voice from a distance.

The world will also never know why Al decided to shout that.

"That's how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop!"

Oh. Well, that's one mystery solved.

Uh...Anyhoo, Ed scouted the streets for the Present Stealer. Ed asked for a Portal gun this year, and he wanted to fall through portals endlessly. He already had a list of suspects in his head. It could be Winry, Al, the Edward Clone he made by accident that one party, Scar, Ling, Roy, Hawkeye...there were so many people who could've stole presents!

Suddenly, Ed stopped in his tracks. What is _he _was stealing all of the presents? Would he have to turn himself in?

"Oh, my gosh, Edward," Edward said to himself. "You better not be stealing those presents."

"I'm not!" Ed answered himself in a somewhat higher pitched voice. "Trust me! I have no use for those presents that other people get. Most of them I don't even like! Besides, what if _you're _the one stealing the presents?"

Ed slapped himself. "How dare you even think such a thing!"

"Right. You're too handsome to steal presents."

"...Wanna make out?"

Um...okay. Uh. Move on, Edward. Please.

"Fine! Be that way!"

And with that, Edward stomped off to find the present stealer. He passed way too many houses for him to count, so eventually, he just stopped counting. Ed didn't even know why he was counting them. While he was in these deep and philological thoughts (_If I make a stone, _Ed thought, _Would it count as a Philosopher's Stone if I was philosophizing when I made it?)_, Ed bumped into someone. Someone taller than him with a sack of stolen presents.

"Roy! You're the Present Thief!" Edward exclaimed.

"No, duh, Sherlock. It doesn't take a genius to figure that one out." Roy rolled his eyes. "Now move, pipsqueak. You're in my way."

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING A PIPSQUEAK MIDGET WHO CAN'T EVEN GO THE BEACH BECAUSE HE'S SO SMALL HE'D SINK INTO THE SAND, AND WHEN THE TIDE COMES IN HE DOESN'T STINKIN' EVEN HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT DROWNING BECAUSE HE'S SO MICROSCOPIC HE CAN BREATHE OXYGEN ATOMS OUT OF PURE WATER?" Edward shrieked all in one breath.

Roy's face looked like this: O.o. Exactly like that. Since he didn't feel like dealing with Ed, he decided he was just going to throw him in the sack, too. Ed was small enough to fit in it, right?

"Roy, stop stealing presents! The true meaning of Christmas is...Uh...Hold on a second." Edward pulled out a piece of paper from his pocket. "The true meaning of Christmas is forty-two!"

"You're an idiot."

"Fine! Be that way!" Ed suddenly developed telekinetic powers.

Edward levitated the present sack out of Roy's hand. Since he was feeling lazy, he made all the presents go to their receivers.

"Now go to bed, Flamey. (_Flamey? _Roy thought.) Maybe if you sleep now, Santa will give you presents. I wouldn't, though, 'cause you were being a very naughty boy. Now, beat it." When Roy showed no signs of moving, Edward super-ninja-kicked Roy all the way back to his housey home.

**THE NEXT MORNING**

Edward woke up in his refrigerator. It took a moment before he realized,

"OMG! IT'S CHRISTMAS!"

Lil' Edwardo scampered out of the fridge and into the living room. His happiness was quickly extinguished when he realized all of the giant presents were for Al, and all the tiny presents were for him.

Five boring books later...

"AW, SWEET! A PORTAL GUN!"

Back at Roy's house...

"Aw...coal. Time to blow up the North Pole!"

**THE END**

_Author's Note: Well...That was very crack-fic-y. Don't say I didn't warn you._

_**Signing off,**_

_**^w~ XiXi Scarlett**_


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